That sucked, i've been so caught up in stuff.
But i had a few ideas that i wanted to talk about before i get to my incredibly interesting six days.
Marriage.
What does it mean? Imagine- taking one person, just one, till the end of your life. What is that like? What is that feeling? How is it possible, when only a handful of years ago, most newlywed were going through relationships like they were advertisements in a magazine? When love can grow and bloom and die in a matter of two months, when being honest is being silly, how could we possibly, in this world, hold onto one feeling for so long? And what is that feeling? Is it our- mine, at least- teenage love? The kind of love that when your eyes meet, your heart stops? The kind of love when you feel like you're slipping away if you're not holding their hand?
Apparently, it is not. From sources, love at fifteen and at twenty and at twenty five and at thirty is totally different. But thats not always true- i know people who are in their late sixties and have the chemistry of sixteen year olds! My sister's new parents in law (see below :]) are SO comfortable with each other. You know, when you see a couple, even in their teens- the boys hugs the girl from the back and somehow, magically, without trying ten times or practicing or making mistakes, their fingers interlock, and she moves her head and kisses his cheek, which is there and not somewhere else, and it just feels like a perfect transition between them? I know when i'm dating someone and i'm that comfortable, i begin to forget where i end and she begins...it's a nice feeling, if a rare one. Like, have you ever had an awkward relationship? It took you three dates to touch hands, six to FINALLY kiss. You walk down the hall and your fingers don't fit together that well, and you have awkward silences for no reason? It's not particularly bad. It could get better, as you two begin to learn each other. But have you ever had a relationship when their body fits into yours so perfectly, almost like a ship in water, a bird in the air? When your fingers find eachother in the dark, when her voice makes you smile and you can just look at her for hours, simply because she's that beautiful. Have you ever had that? How can love like that ever die? Apparently it can. People fall out of love... marriages fail and couples break up. Sometimes it's mutual, usually it's not. How can love exist in a world that can hurt so much? You wouldn't think it' s possible. How could there be such extremes? One moment and you're weightless, no longer tied down to anything but your heart, and a short conversation later, your stomach feels like it's made from lead. How can a couple survive in a world where divorce is so popular, where cheating is no longer that tabooed, where change is underlined and love is a silly four letter word no one really means anymore? How have my parents lasted 31 years, my grandparents 55 years together? How? It doesn't seem possible. Ten years down the road, would you still turn the coffee mug so your lips only made one mark on it? In ten years, would you still tickle her and tell her that you love her? How about in twenty? Would you hold hands? Sex, forget sex, thats a whole different blog. Would you still hold her when she's hurt? Love is supposed to last forever... why doesn't it? Is it the person you're with? Maybe it's not the right person. But would you wait a lifetime for the right one? No one wants to be alone... but i know I feel most alone when i feel for someone, and they don't feel back. So how would a marriage work in an age when holding hands past thirty five strange? How do you keep the spark going? You look at her now and you get shivers, because the freckles in her eyes and yours are mirror images, because her smile can light up cities, because you would not rather be anywhere else but here... and three years later, why is it different? How CAN it be different? I guess it really can be though. I wish people meant what they say. Don't say forever if it's not going to last forever. Don't say I love you if it's gonna die in a few months. Are we really that shallow as human beings? I sure hope not. I may be young, but i've been places and i've seen things. I've seen love thats so bright it blocks out the sun. I've seen hurt so cruel you'd think the night would go one forever. And truthfully, i'm balanced. Because truthfully i HAVE seen love. i've seen perfect, beautiful, extraordinary love thats lasted forever. And truthfully, i have seen love die, and truthfully, i know how much it hurts. So i'm not sure wether love is really just a hoax, a trick of our shallow minds, or if love really does exist, if it makes the sun rise in the morning and tucks it in at night. And i've been in love, i have. And i hope i'll be in love again, and i hope it will stay that way. I wish above all that love never really died, that it still remains somewhere in the depths of your eyes, and that when we listen to that song, or walk down that beach or catch a whiff of strawberries or the ocean, even years later, we still remember, and we still feel it, for an instant, for a moment...for a moment, we're back again and it's okay. Thats what i wish for, more than anything else. That love never really died, that love only hid inside of us, and made us stronger, or smarter, or both.
My sister got married yesterday. And you don't know how happy I am. I finished the last sentence of that big paragraph, and it washed over me, because i love her, and because she is not only my sister, my favorite person, but above all, my best friend. And i think that she found the right man that could make- and keep- her happy. And he's a good guy, and i feel like he's the brother i've never had and it's great. And i'm overwhelmed by this whole thing... i dont think i've ever realized how much marriage means. I really, really wish i'd find someone to spend my life with. NOT NOW. I'm still an idiot and will screw things up. But eventually...i think it'd be nice. Settling down would be really, really nice. Maybe in Portland, Maine. It's such a nice town, because the streets smell like the ocean, and the bookstores smell like bookstores and the sea. It has little crooked cobblestone streets and the building are no larger than three stories. There's coffee shops and fresh food and markets. I'd wake up early and make us hot chocolate and write (or blog :]) till you woke up, and we'd take walks down to the pier where the fishing boats would just be coming in and maybe i'd take along my camera and catch another picture of your smile. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.
the rest of my week was composed of the city and wedding stuff.
If you don't listen to Enter Shikari, you should. BUT most of all, the song Jonny Sniper really sings to me these days. It's so... pretty. Really though, check out that song at least, if you're too get the rest of their stuff. Listen to it while you read that^^ it sets the mood right.
For my sisters present, I made her a journal of my poetry and my photographs. My photos i still have to scan, but my poems are all in electronic format and (with some luck) may get published soon. So i'm gonna post another post with all my poems, so let me know opinions.
New post tmrw! Because i hope i never have to make such a big break again!
peace&thelove forever!
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